Forgive me reader, for I have sinned. I have fallen behind with my uni work when I vowed I wouldn't this semester. My life is ridiculously busy what with the kids, home, washing, Brownies (I'm a leader, Tawny Owl no less!), work and my degree, and I am fast drowning in a sea of despair at the awesome amount of work I have to get through this term. I vowed I wouldn't get behind this time; that there would be no last minute rushes to complete the tasks set by my tutors; that all my assignments would be done with the minimum of fuss with plenty of time to correct and make adjustments. I'm already behind and panicking for England. It's something I do very well. But it didn't have to be like this. I should have sat down in the first couple of weeks and made a detailed schedule of everything I had to achieve, timetabled my personal study time and STUCK TO IT!!! And therein lies the problem - I didn't have the time. Should I have made the time? Yes. You won't get any argument from me. I know it's my responsibility. But what's going to give? The kids? The washing? Work? My sanity? The latter is almost gone so that should help. But really, what would you do?
My husband says I should just say no to anything that does not enhance my life or improve my chances of getting a first class degree. He's right of course, but I'm not wired that way. Every time I try to say no I end up caving in and doing whatever it is I have been asked to do. I'm just a weak and hopeless individual who just wants everyone to love her and not regard her as selfish and self-obsessed. In actual fact that is exactly what I need to be. Coupled with my fibromyalgia (a debilitating and insidious condition that causes immense pain in my joints and chronic fatigue), I really should start being more strict about my priorities and learning to say 'no', firmly but fairly, to more people.
I keep being told I need to rest more and take more time for myself. But when exactly? When is this magical time going to appear and will I be awake to enjoy it? And how do I stop people and situations robbing me of this golden time? I had planned to take some meditation classes at the local Buddhist centre to learn how to breath properly and release some of the anger that accompanies the frustration of time deprivation - but guess what? I HAVEN'T GOT THE TIME!!!
So what has this got to do with the lack of inspiration, as I have alluded to in the title of this post? Well, I'm a big believer that when one is time-poor or surrounded by clutter or distracted by the vagaries of family life, then all creativity and inspiration dissipates and floats off into the ether, leaving behind a void, a black hole, where nothing transpires or inspires and nurture is replaced with despair. So how do I turn this around? I'm not entirely sure, but this is what I do know: if I don't sort this out now, I'm doomed. Forget the first class degree, I'll be hard pressed to finish the course and I'm just not going to let that happen. So I'm going to have to don my hard hat, take a deep breath and practise saying 'NO', so that next time someone asks me to give up my precious time, I can politely decline the offer to wreck my delicately balanced existence without feeling too guilty. Wish me luck!
